Ambivalence
by Melissa2
Summary: Dylan sorts through his feelings, takes action and must cope with the consequences


Andromeda is Tribune's, not mine.  
Author's Note: This fic includes mature themes, including some mild slash. I rated it PG-13 because there's nothing anywhere near explicit, but if you find it offensive, I don't recommend you read this. You have been warned. But if you do read it, please review.  
  
  
The nights on Tarn-Vedra had always been chilly, but a comfortable temperature for him. He stood, arms crossed over his chest, deep in thought as he gazed over the rocky terrain engulfed in twilight. Nights such as that one had always been a source for his most profound thoughts and decisions. That night's mulling was very different from his usual thoughts, though. Whatever decision he came to while staring over that bluff would alter the rest of his life.  
  
"Dylan?" He would have recognized the voice anywhere and was often pleased when he heard it, but tonight it was the one voice he least wanted to hear. It was Geharis Rhade.  
  
"Geharis...lovely evening, isn't it?" He was tense as his first officer approached him from behind and laid a hand on his shoulder.  
  
"No different from any other Vedran evening." Geharis evidently sensed his tension. "What's on your mind?"  
  
"Nothing really," he lied, blankly staring out into the mountains.  
  
"Engagement jitters?" He chuckled.  
  
He was surprised how Geharis always seemed to tap into his thoughts, but never hit on what was really bothering him. "Yeah, engagement jitters. I'm just a little worried about Sara and me."  
  
"There are few couples I've seen that are more suited for each other. What are you worrying about? She agreed to marry you, and there isn't anyone opposing it."  
  
"It's just..." He was hesistant to mention anything more on the matter, especially after he promised himself he would make the decision before taking action.  
  
"Did you meet someone else?"  
  
Silence ensued. Dylan found himself incapable of speech. Geharis remained where he had stood the entire time, probably contemplating the situation.   
  
"Do I know her?" He broke the silence.  
  
Dylan almost found himself laughing at Geharis's question. 'If it were only that simple,' he thought morosely. "You do...but it's very complex. I'm sure you don't want me troubling you with my problems."  
  
"If you don't want to tell me, I understand. The only advice I can give you is to follow your instincts." Geharis put his arm around Dylan. "You'll do what's right. You always do."  
  
Compliments from Nietzcheans, even Geharis, were too far and too few. It only added to the ambivalence. There were so many reasons he shouldn't have been questioning whether he belonged with Sara. High Guard protocols didn't forbid their relationship. 'Forbidden,' he mused. 'That's what it all comes down to, isn't it? It becomes even more desirable if I'm not supposed to have it. I've already been promised Sara. Where's the fun in that?'  
  
"Geharis...I need to tell you something, but you have to promise me you won't breathe a word of it to anyone." Dylan collected his strength and kept his composure.  
  
"I give you my word, Dylan."  
  
"We've been friends for a long time and known each other even longer. We've seen each other through all kinds of situation, shared our joys and sorrows. There's something I haven't told you before, though..." His heart was already pounding furiously in his chest. It required all of his self-control to strip his voice of the fear blatant throughout him. "You're the reason I can't be with Sara."  
  
"She meets my approval, Dylan. It won't affect anything aboard Andromeda, if that's what you're worried about."   
  
"No...I think I'm...that is, I have strong feelings for you." The words provided him temporary reprieve from that which had plagued him for years.  
  
"I never even thought..." The Nietzchean stepped towards Dylan, closing the gap between them.  
  
Geharis took the initiative and kissed his commanding officer. Dylan was suddenly drowned in a deluge of the most fiery passion--forbidden passion. The shock's strength outweighed the passion, though. Geharis was Nietzchean, and Dylan had never heard of Nietzcheans engaging in this sort of relationship. They were both engrossed in the kiss and didn't even hear someone calling out their names.  
  
"Dylan! Geharis!" Dylan realized Sara neared him a moment too late. He could see the hurt in her eyes when she saw them kissing. "Why?"  
  
"Sara, this isn't what you think," Dylan began. He couldn't find the words to express what he felt.  
  
"How long have you been lovers? Did you think you could hide it from me forever?" She was on the verge of tears. "I thought you loved me, Dylan..."  
  
*****  
  
Dylan's eyes opened, and he felt the familiar pangs of guilt in the pit of his stomach and his heart. The past was haunting him yet again, as it had shortly after that incident. Sara had forgiven him, of course, and little more had happened with Geharis. They had remained friends until Dylan had been forced to kill him. The nightmares of his past had disappeared years ago, hundreds of them, in fact. He found it strange that one had returned so suddenly.   
  
His attempts to fall back asleep were all in vain. He reluctantly rolled out of his warm bed and walked to the bathroom mirror. His face was tearstreaked. His blue eyes were tinted red. He looked like he'd been through several miles of total hell.  
  
"You've got to get a grip on yourself. It was just one nightmare, probably because you thought of Geharis during the day once or twice." He splashed his face with warm water and trudged back to bed. "Turn on privacy mode in the quarters of Dylan Hunt." He didn't want any interruptions until morning. He closed his eyes, hoping to have the remaining hours of the night dedicated to restful slumber.  
  
*****  
  
"BOSS!" A loud yell in his ear woke Dylan.  
  
"What? I thought I went to sleep alone?" He opened his eyes and rubbed them.  
  
"I need your command access now! The droids are going wild out there, and I can't fix 'em unless I've got access!" Harper was very panicked. "You don't even have to get dressed." Dylan stood up, watching the young engineer. "I take that back. Yeah, you should probably get dressed or at least put your goods back in the bag."  
  
"Huh?" Dylan glanced down and saw that his boxers had come partially undone. He quickly fixed the problem while trying not to blush. He pulled on a robe. "Let's get down to Engineering."  
  
"It's about time," Harper muttered under his breath.  
  
The second he entered the corridor, Dylan realized why Harper was panicking. The metallic droids were attacking each other, running into walls and rising general chaos. "What in the hell did you do to the droids?!?"  
  
"I was just trying to modify them to perform more tasks to make YOU happy, but it kinda backfired. Even us freakin' geniuses have machines turn on us!" He was still upset, but he had calmed down reasonably since they had entered the corridor.  
  
Dylan smirked. Even in a crisis, Harper could make almost anyone crack a smile. Even Tyr during the times he wasn't set on strangling Harper. The malfunctioning droids' actions were becoming more dangerous than before, though. Time was definitely of the essence in this situation.  
  
They entered the main area of Engineering. A droid approached Harper with intentions that were evidently violent. Harper grabbed a near-by beam for support and powerfully kicked the droid with both of his feet. The droid was sent off balance, flying into another beam and ceased movement. Dylan grimaced when he had heard a sickening crack as Harper had kicked the droid. From that sound, he knew that Harper was suffering from at least one or two fractures.  
  
The painful groan that followed only confirmed it. "That freakin' hurt!" He attempted to pull himself to his feet.  
  
"Don't!" Dylan exclaimed with a protective concern. "You'll only complicate your injuries."  
  
"If you haven't noticed, we're being bombarded by a troop of haywire droids, and there are only more coming from all over the ship! I'm the only one that knows how to undo the damage." He, again grabbed onto the beam and tried to pull himself to his feet.  
  
'He's so damn stubborn...so like Geharis.' Dylan cast the thought from his mind. 'But he is right about one thing. I sure can't fix what he's done. I guess that leaves us little choice.' He hoisted Harper over his shoulder, careful to avoid further injury to his legs.  
  
"What are you doing? I'm not a kid. I would've been fine in a minute. Put me down!" He began to twist himself from Dylan's grasp in protest.  
  
"Stop squirming! I'll drop you, and you'll be in a lot more pain than you are right now." Dylan walked across the room to the console commands to the droids and bots were issued from.  
  
"Put me down!" Harper forced himself away from Dylan, only to have his legs buckle under him when he stood on them. "Damn it!"  
  
Dylan immediately leaned down over him. "Are you okay?"  
  
"My legs hurt like you wouldn't believe, and to add insult to injury, I was just carried across the room like a three year old kid who scraped his knee. A hoard of killer droids are gonna walk in that door any second and tear our heads off and do god knows what to our bodies. I'm just peachy," he said sardonically.  
  
"How do I undo the modifications?" Dylan stood and prepared himself to enter commands into the console quickly.  
  
"YOU don't undo my modifications. I undo my modifications."  
  
"How are you planning to enter anything into this console from down there?"  
  
"I don't plan on doing it from down there...grab that anti-grav unit over there." He pointed towards a cubic box with a strap connected to it setting several feet away.  
  
Dylan lifted the box. It was heavier than it appeared to be. He brought it to Harper, placing it beside him on the deck plate and wondering what he had in mind.  
  
Harper strapped the unit to his legs and opened its access panel. He crossed a couple of wires. "I'm gonna either be standing or be on the ceiling when I turn this thing on." He turned his head away and flipped the switch. Finding that he was still on the floor, he sighed a sigh of relief and pushed himself to his feet. He started entering commands into the console.  
  
'Adept in what he does, too. Strapping the anti-grav unit to his legs was very ingenuitive.' As Dylan watched Harper, he found his eyes wandering down the short blond's body. 'Look what that dream's done to you. You just need to see a woman, and it'll go away,' he assured himself.  
  
"These overrides are taking forever! At this rate, we're gonna be droid bait before I'm even half-way finished!" He was frantically pounding the codes into the console.  
  
The doors swooshed open behind them, and Dylan pivoted on his heel. Three droids approached him in a zombie-like manner. 'As long as I'm more careful, Harper's method seemed effective,' he thought. He ran forward and grabbed a beam, swinging towards the three droids. Two of them flew to the floor, but the third passed him. He turned around to see it nearing the oblivious Harper.  
  
"Harper!" Dylan yelled, his heart breaking when he thought of what the droid would do. He couldn't let anything happen to Harper. The second he regained his faculties, he flung himself at the droid. He wrapped himself around its body and tried to disable it, putting his own life on the line.  
  
"Voila!" Harper exclaimed as the droid went limp. "Now, I can return them from their assassinate-the-crew-and-each-other state back to the annoying-interruptions-in-the-corridor state."  
  
"No, now you're going to Medical Deck. And until you're completely healed, we won't even think about the droids." Dylan pushed himself away from the limp droid and returned to Harper's side, breathing a sigh of relief.  
  
"But, boss, the droids are vital to Andromeda functioning at optimal efficiency."   
  
"You're a lot more vital than those droids, and we need you functioning at optimal efficiency." He activated his communications unit. "Trance, we need you down in Engineering with a stretcher, prepared to treat several leg fractures."  
  
"I'll be there in a minute," Trance's tired voice replied to him.  
  
The anti-grav unit deactivated when its battery was drained of power, and Harper was sent toppling to the floor. His sharp intake of breath and grimace indicated the amount of pain he was in. Dylan gently pulled the anti-grav unit from Harper's legs. The strength Harper was displaying impressed Dylan. 'So like Geharis.' This time he didn't cast the thoughts aside as quickly. 'Maybe if I let them run their course....'   
  
His mind flashed back to the beginning with Geharis. He had denied he was feeling anything at all, blamed it on lack of sleep and eventually not seeing Sara enough for years. It was all excuses until he had propsed to Sara. Then, he realized he couldn't marry her until he sorted out what he was feeling. Questions had raced through his mind about his fate and what would really be best for him. Then, that evening had come when Geharis kissed him. Although he loved affection from women, it had been the most intimate and passionate kiss of his life.  
  
It was the same story, only different players. Harper replaced Geharis, Dylan realized. The feelings had been latent for months within him. The dream had forced them to the surface. The only difference was Dylan had no commitments to anyone. He was free to be with whomever he pleased. But Harper was his engineer, and it wasn't generally wise to become involved with subordinate officers. 'Why is this happening to me?' he thought as he waited impatiently for Trance to arrive.  
  
"Boss..." Harper began before the door opened.  
  
"I'm here. Sorry it took me so long." Trance's hair was a bit tangled, and it was obvious she was still half-asleep. She glanced down at Harper and the droid. "What happened?"  
  
"I messed up a few modifications, and the droids when wacko. I'm in a lotta pain, and for the first time ever, I actually want to go to Med Deck."  
  
"Let's get him up on the stretcher," Trance said as she pushed the large stretcher closer to Harper.  
  
Dylan nodded and helped Trance lift Harper onto the stretcher. He wondered what Harper almost said before Trance's arrival. He accompanied them to Medical Deck, worrying about Harper the entire time. The fractures were all simple, no bones had penetrated through his skin, but they were still severe and would require a couple of weeks to completely heal.  
  
"You'll have to be in traction for a couple of days, Harper. You can be moved to your quarters tomorrow, though, if you want to be. But you aren't allowed to walk for at least four days." Trance began putting Harper's legs in traction.  
  
"Four days?!? I have work to do! There's no way I can just sit around doing nothing for four days! C'mon, Trance. Cut me some slack." Harper whined.  
  
"You don't want to limp for the rest of your life, do you?" She finished treating him.  
  
Harper was silent, obviously annoyed and a little angry.  
  
"Thanks, Trance. You don't have to report for duty until 09:30 hours. Get some rest."  
  
She smiled as she walked out of Medical Deck, leaving Dylan and Harper alone.  
  
"You're gonna chew me out for making those modifications without asking, aren't you?" Harper propped himself up on the pillow behind him.  
  
"No, I'm not. I would have appreciated it if you would have done the modifications with my permission and during the day, but what's done is done." Dylan would have chastised any other crew member, but he couldn't bring himself to say anything to Harper.  
  
"I hacked around the command codes the first time and locked Rommie out, but the second time it realized I was hacking. That's why the droids malfunctioned. I wasn't finished with what I was doing," he admitted.  
  
"Is she still locked out?" Dylan realized he should have been screaming at Harper for putting everyone in danger by locking Andromeda out of her own systems.  
  
"No. When I turned the droids off, I gave her access back...I'm sorry, boss."  
  
Apologies from Harper were fairly rare. Dylan just nodded and sighed. Seeing Harper's softer side made Dylan want him even more than he had before. The emotions were overwhelming, almost scary. He decided that he should leave before his impulses better him.  
  
"Good night, Harper. Sleep well." He walked towards the door. He still wondered what Harper had started to say in Engineering.  
  
"Night."  
  
"Harper...what were you going to say right before Trance arrived?" Dylan knew he wouldn't be able to sleep if he didn't know.  
  
"Oh...it was nothing." Harper propped himself up on his elbow and watched Dylan.  
  
Dylan walked out of the room and headed back to his quarters, hoping that he would be able to get at least a little rest before it was time for him to wake up again.  
  
***  
  
Harper leaned back on the bed and put his hands under his head, elbows pointing out, staring up at the ceiling. He had counted the plates on the ceiling during his former monotonous stays in Medical Deck. There were 320. He usually quickly exhausted topics of thought, but for once, he had much to ponder.  
  
'What's up with Dylan? He's been acting all weird around me. Even though it really sucks to be stuck here, I've been cut a ton of slack on the stuff I did to the droids. That's just not like Dylan. This is his ship, and I screwed it up. And he actually wants me to heal before I get back to work again. He's usually pushing me to get out of Med Deck. Not that I really mind that or anything. I know I've sure got better places to be and better things to be doing than staring at this ceiling.' He sighed and glanced down at his legs. 'I'm starting to lose circulation...and my butt's going numb. Back to Dylan...what could possibly be causing this? Maybe it's something coming up, like an anniversary of an event.'  
  
"Rommie?" Harper asked aloud.  
  
"I don't particularly want to speak with you." Her hologram appeared in front of him. "You locked me out of my own systems."  
  
"C'mon, Rommie. I wouldn't do anything to hurt you on purpose, would I?"  
  
She was silent and stared at him accusatorily.  
  
"You're fine now, though! I fixed everything." He offered her an apologetic smile.  
  
"My droids are down. You didn't fix everything."  
  
"I'll fix 'em as soon as Dylan let's me get back to work. But he's gone all weirded out and wants me to finish healing completely before I work again."  
  
"You've noticed his change in behavior also?" Rommie seemed a little surprised.  
  
"Yeah...he's been lenient towards me, especially tonight. But there's been a few other times over the past month or so. He should've chewed me out big time for the stuff I did. Do you know what's up with him?"  
  
"He hasn't acted this way since we've been in this time period." The hologram crossed her arms behind her back.  
  
"He's acted like this before?" Harper was intrigued.  
  
"Shortly before and after his proposal to Sara."  
  
"Weird...what's that got to do with me? Are you sure it just isn't an anniversary of some engineer like me dying or something like that?"  
  
"None of my past engineers under Dylan's command died near this date. And none of my engineers have been quite like you, Harper."  
  
"I'll take that as a compliment." He rolled his eyes.  
  
"There is another possibility I feel obligated to inform you of."  
  
"What?" Harper wondered what Rommie would feel obligated to tell him. That usually implied it would be less than pleasant information.  
  
"I was going through some of the former crew's personal logs. I found several references to a romantic attraction to Dylan from Geharis Rhade, his former first officer."  
  
"You mean...Dylan's got a thing for me?!?" Harper was beyond shocked.  
  
"No, Geharis 'had a thing' for Dylan. I don't know if it was mutual. It's just a possbility that could explain his behavior as of late."  
  
"Thanks for telling me that, Rommie. Now I'm freaking out over whether I can ever be alone with Dylan again."  
  
Her hologram faded away, leaving Harper alone again.  
  
'So...he wants me. Or might want me. I'm all for women, especially drop dead gorgeous ones like Rommie. Men just aren't my thing. But it doesn't make me wanna puke or anything. Dylan's not half-bad...he's a lot better than that.' Harper didn't like the direction his thoughts were moving in. 'So, what am I supposed to do about it? Pretend I don't know anything? Just go the direct route and ask him?'  
  
The doors opened, and Harper expected to see Trance walking in to administer some nasty medication. It wasn't Trance, though. It was Dylan, who had dressed since Harper had last seen him.. 'Thinking of the devil...look who just walked in,' he thought. Being aware of the new possibility, he glanced over Dylan in a new light. 'He really is a lot better than half-bad.'  
  
"I thought you'd probably want something to pass the time so I brought you these." He handed Harper several flexis.  
  
"Thanks. It does get pretty boring in here after awhile." He glanced over the flexis. "These are new surfing competition information and applications and some of my favorite authors. You're gonna let me go surfing again after what happened during Infinity Atoll?"  
  
"You've been working hard lately. We're going to be passing the planets near the competition dates anyway." He smiled. "And I brought you this."   
  
He handed Harper a Sparky cola, their fingers brushing. Harper felt his heart rate increase. 'He really has changed towards me. I'm starting to like this. More than I probably should.' He weakly smiled. "Thanks again. Since you're dressed, does that mean you're staying up?"  
  
"Yeah."   
  
"Are you gonna stay with me?" Harper didn't know what was coming over him.  
  
"If you want me to, I will."  
  
"I'd like the company. Med Deck is a lonely place at this hour without Trance to bother."  
  
Dylan pulled up a chair beside Harper's bed. "How are you feeling?"  
  
"Everything below my torso is numb. But I'm not really in any pain. I want to move around, though."  
  
"The nanobots are already at work healing the broken bones. You'll be up again in a few days."  
  
"The last time I broke either of my legs was ten years ago when I was barely a teenager. I was hiding in an alley from a Nietzchean raid. One of the Nietzchean bastards pinned my leg under a crate and caused a terrible compound fracture. I almost died from the infection afterwards."  
  
"Earth isn't a pleasant place."  
  
"And being a mudfoot goes with me wherever I am. I didn't ask to be born on that god forsaken planet. I didn't ask the Magog and Nietzcheans to invade and kill everyone I cared about." The tears began to form in the corners of his eyes.  
  
"I know." Dylan leaned over him and wiped away the tear that slid down his face, his face inches away from Harper's.  
  
Harper closed his eyes, leaning up, and felt their lips nearly making contact before he heard the door slide open.  
  
Dylan jumped up and greeted Trance. "I was just keeping Harper company."  
  
"I'll stay with him now so you can go back to sleep."  
  
Dylan quickly left Medical Deck, obviously shaken by the close call. Harper quickly ceased all thought of Dylan, deciding to save it for a later time when he was alone again.  
  
"How are you feeling, Harper?" Trance was more reserved and quiet than usual. Harper assumed the early hour accounted for it. Everyone acted differently on a couple of hours of sleep.  
  
"I'm numb, kinda cold, and I'm not exactly lovin' being stuck like this." He gestured towards his legs. "But at least I've got my sparkly purple babe here now." He offered her a grin.   
  
"You'll feel better soon, Harper. I think we'll be able to move you to your quarters tomorrow, if you want." She smiled sweetly back at him.  
  
"Please! Nothin' against you or anything." He sighed.  
  
"Can I ask you something?" She plopped down in the chair Dylan had been occupying.  
  
'What could she wanna ask me?' he thought. 'Can't be anything major, probably just how I managed to screw up the droids.' He shrugged. "I don't see why not."  
  
"When I came in, Dylan was," she began.  
  
'Oh crap. Not this,' he thought before he blurted out, "Seeing if there was something in my eye. It hurt, and I thought I felt something in it. But it turned out to be an eyelash or something I must've blinked out."   
  
"Oh. Do you want me to take a look to make sure it's not still around your eye?" She appeared genuinely concerned.  
  
'She bought it...thank god. Dylan wouldn't forgive me if she told anyone about it.' "It's fine now, Trance." He blinked several times and moved his eyes to illustrate his point. "Nothing's in my eye."  
  
"It's time for your painkiller. Then, I'm going to go take a nap, if you don't mind." She pushed the hypo into his neck.  
  
"I don't mind. But I could really use another Sparky." He tossed his empty can behind him.   
  
Her tail caught the can and flung it into a waste receptacle, and she rolled her eyes at him. "This is my Med Deck, not your quarters or one of the machine shops, Harper."  
  
"On second thought, I'll wait awhile for another Sparky." He laid his head on the pillow and stared at the ceiling.  
  
"All right, Harper. Since it's on my way, I'll bring you a Sparky for later." She walked off in her usual good mood.  
  
'Alone at last...finally some time to think through all this.' He sighed. 'What am I supposed to do? I've spent my entire life loving women to death, not even having a second thought about men. Now, here I am contemplating a relationship with not just any man. A man that seems to want me. This isn't just another thing where I fall in love and rejection's the only thing I get. But, now that I'm thinking about it, I have felt...something...for a while. Should I tell him?'  
  
Trance returned with the Sparky he had request. She placed it on a small table beside the bed. "I'm going to my quarters now to take a little nap...and Harper, if you can't talk to him, it's a lot easier to write a letter sometimes." She smiled as she handed him a flexi and a pen. She left, not elaborating on what she had said.  
  
'She knows about this? She must've known what was going on earlier when we almost kissed.' He felt the worry knots forming in his stomach. 'But, y'know, maybe she's right about me writing him. It's not my style, but it'll be a hell of a lot easier than talking to him.'  
  
*****  
  
Dylan pensively stalked the corridors. He needed to find answers to all of the questions cascading through his tired mind. He bumped into Trance accidentally as he rounded a corner. "I'm sorry, Trance."  
  
"It's all right. I'm fine. But are you okay?"   
  
He realized she was asking about his mental and emotional state, not his physical one. He knew his practiced answer that he almost himself believed at times. "I'm fine, just thinking about our mission," he lied.  
  
"Oh...writing a letter sometimes helps if you can't talk about something." She handed him a flexi and a pen. "Don't worry about everything so much. What happens happens for a reason."  
  
'She saw us in Med Deck, didn't she?...but maybe she's right about the letter. I don't think I'm ready to talk to him.' He turned around and headed towards his quarters.  
  
*****  
  
"Privacy mode, Andromeda," Harper said as he began reading over what he had written.  
  
"Privacy mode engaged," Andromeda's voice responded.  
  
"I definitely wasn't cut out to be a writer," he muttered. "It gets the point across, but...it's not really good."  
  
The doors swooshed open to reveal Dylan, and Harper instinctively shoved the flexi under his pillow.  
  
"You feeling any better?" Harper noticed the flexi he was holding against him and wondered if Trance had talked to him also.  
  
"Yeah. The painkiller's working pretty well. Trance said I'll probably be in my quarters by the end of today." He wasn't sure what he wanted to say, but whatever it was, it seemed to be hidden beneath his nervousness.  
  
Dylan nodded, seeming to be at the same lack of words Harper was. "I'm glad. I know you don't like spending time in Med Deck."  
  
"Ummmmm, well, this is for you." Harper pulled the flexi out from under the pillow and handed it to Dylan.   
  
"And this is for you." Dylan handed Harper the flexi he had been holding.  
  
Seamus, or Harper rather,  
I don't even know what to call you anymore. There isn't much I'm certain about right now, only what I know I'm feeling. I have the distinct impression that you prefer women to men and that what happened before was a mistake. I do fully understand if it was. You should know that it will not change my feelings, but I will respect your decision. If what happened before wasn't a mistake to you, this is something we need to work out. I am your commanding officer, and it is not usually recommended that those in situations like ours become romantically involved. There is also another issue at hand. Even at the peak of the Commonwealth at the height of social tolerance, this type of relationship wasn't strongly tolerated. That has deteriorated even more since the Long Night. We would have to be extremely careful that no one found out. It could ruin any hope we have at restoring the Commonwealth. Trance already knows, but she usually respects others' rights to privacy. We do need to talk about this, though, before anything gets out of hand.  
  
Harper sighed as he glanced up at Dylan from the flexi.  
  
*****  
  
Dylan was surprised Harper had written him a letter. He hadn't ever seen Harper write anything but schematics for engineering projects. He began reading what had been written on the flexi.  
  
Well, Dylan, what have we gotten ourselves into this time? If it isn't me catching some weird disease no one's ever heard of or screwing up Rommie's droids, it's this. Whatever this is. I really don't know. You're the big boss man that leads our adventures, and me, I'm just the guy that fixes whatever gets broken on the way.   
  
'Maybe even my broken heart,' Dylan mused as he read on.  
  
You're probably asking yourself if I want you. There's always been something in me for you. I wouldn't have risked my own life so many times if I didn't care. I don't want you to ruin your life and the future Commonwealth for me, though. I'm definitely not even close to worth all your dreams being tossed out the airlock. I really suck at this letter writing stuff. That's why I'm the galaxy's best engineer, not a namby-pamby poetry writer obsessed with getting in touch with my inner-self and all that crap. Anyways, I guess that's it. Harper signing out.  
  
Dylan glanced up at Harper, who was already watching him. He took several steps closer to him, until he was standing against the edge of the bed. 'I really hope I do know what I'm getting myself into.'  
  
"So, now what?" Harper pushed himself up into a near sitting position.  
  
Dylan leaned down towards Harper, slowly easing him back down towards the pillow. Their lips brushed together, this time without immediate interruption. Dylan could feel Harper's heart pounding against his and hear his ragged breathing. He became oblivious to the rest of the world until Harper ended the kiss.  
  
"We can't do anything here," he breathed. "Trance could walk in any second, and my legs are kinda up there in that thing."  
  
"You're going to be sent back to your quarters pretty soon."  
  
"Not soon enough." Harper grinned.  
  
After one more lingering kiss, Dylan began walking towards the door. "I need to get to Command Deck. I'll see you later."  
  
*****  
  
Harper had been blinded by passion and after the passage of almost an hour was just beginning to realize what had happened. 'What in the hell is wrong with you, Harper? You like women. Drop dead gorgeous women with soft skin and nice curves. Of course, you haven't ever had any of those women. Just drunk women at bars and the occassional escort...maybe that's why you're doing this.' He sighed. He knew that wasn't really why he was doing any of this. He didn't want to face the fact that he wanted a man more than any other woman yet.  
  
"Oh yeah, Andromeda disengage privacy mode." He stared at his suspended legs. "It's not like I was gonna need it in the first place," he muttered under his breath.  
  
Several minutes passed in total silence. The door swooshed open, and Trance walked in, smiling as always. "How are you feel-" she began before seeing his depressed visage. Her expression changed to one of concern. "What's wrong, Harper?"  
  
"It's nothing." He glanced away from his legs at her, disappointed at his lack of desire towards her.   
  
"Is it something a hug could cheer up?" She smiled as she leaned over the bed and gave him a hug.  
  
'I wish,' he thought. 'Even your sexy body doesn't do anything for me.'  
  
She cocked her head as she saw it brought no change in him. "You'll be moved to your quarters soon."  
  
'That's what I'm dreading now...' He held back a groan and simply said, "Yeah."  
  
"I can help you move right now, but I've got to get the other traction machine into your room first. I'll be back in a few minutes." She pushed the other machine towards the door and out into the corridor before poking her head back into the room. "And cheer up. Everything's going to be fine."  
  
*****  
  
Dylan only remained on Command Deck for an hour before he couldn't contain the need to check on Harper again. He made an excuse to leave and hurried down to Medical Deck. On his way, he bumped into Trance.  
  
"I could use your help, Dylan. I'm going to move Harper to his quarters."  
  
They both, with little trouble, transported Harper to his quarters in a wheelchair.  
  
"Hey you messed up my stuff!" Harper exclaimed as they entered the room. A path had been cleared through the clutter on the floor to accomodate the traction machine and wheelchair.  
  
"It looks like it was already in quite a mess." Dylan looked around at all of the parts and small engineering projects amongst colorful objects and clothing.   
  
"But I knew where everything was before," he whined.  
  
Dylan and Trance both chuckled. They carefully lifted Harper into his bed, and Trance connected him to the traction machine. "You'll only have to be in traction for a day or two. Recovery after that will be much faster."  
  
"I still think it really sucks," Harper groaned.  
  
"I'll be in to check on you in a couple of hours," Trance said as she left the men alone.  
  
Dylan was quiet, noticing Harper becoming a little uncomfortable. "Are you having second thoughts?"  
  
"I don't know. I mean I'm not homophobic or anything, but..."  
  
"You've never been with a man before," Dylan completed his sentence.  
  
"Yeah." Harper was looking for an answer in Dylan's crystal blue eyes.  
  
"I haven't either."  
  
"What about Rhade?" Harper asked.  
  
"Rhade? How do you know anything about that?" Dylan was very surprised.  
  
"Oh crap."   
  
"Rommie said something to you, didn't she?" Dylan was a little surprised he wasn't angry, but he would have to have a talk with Rommie about personal information.  
  
"Yeah, but don't be mad at her for it. She was just worried about me, that's all."  
  
"I'm not mad at her. But there was only as much between Geharis and me as there is between me and you." He cast the memories of Geharis out of his mind, wanting this to be pleasant for the both Harper and himself.   
  
A moment of silence passed. "God, this traction is killing me." He tried to wriggle himself out of it.  
  
"Here." Dylan carefully removed his legs from the machine.  
  
"Thanks. That feels much better."  
  
Dylan carefully seated himself on the bed beside Harper. He watched for any sign of discomfort. He saw none and felt relieved. He leaned down to kiss Harper, but the younger man pulled away.  
  
"Dylan...I'm not sure if I can do this. I mean maybe I can after some time to get used to the fact that I'm feeling this, y'know? It's all kinda overwhelming."   
  
"I understand," Dylan said, hoping his tone didn't manifest the disappointment growing within him. 'Maybe' could mean a number of things coming from Harper's mouth, but he had the impression it meant never.  
  
"Well, I think I'm gonna try to take a nap and get a little bit of rest."  
  
"Have a nice nap, Harper. I'll have Trance come and check up on you later." Dylan realized that he probably wasn't welcome in this close proximity anymore, or at least for a while.  
  
He left Harper's quarters and headed to an empty Command Deck in a very pensive mode. 'It could be best like this. It definitely is easiest for him, and probably for me, too. Relationships like that aren't accepted. And to restore the Commonwealth, I need to be accepted. There's always tomorrow. I'm getting over Sara now. There will be getting over Harper, too. All I need is a little bit of time.'  
  
"Dylan, are you all right?" Rommie's avatar asked as she stepped up behind him.  
  
Dylan turned around and nodded. "Yeah, I'll be all right."  
  
"If you ever want to talk, you know I'm here," she said comfortingly.  
  
"Thanks for your offer, but I think I need some time to myself right now."  
  
"I understand. It seems like it will never end right now, that things will never be the same again. But the pain does go away...eventually." Rommie turned around and began leaving the deck.  
  
'She does understand,' Dylan thought. 'And I could use her company.' "Wait, Romme!"  
  
"Yes?" she asked and turned back around.  
  
"I changed my mind. I think I'd like your company for a while."  
  
She slowly approached him, almost apprehensively wrapped her arms around him and hugged him, the way he had done for her many times in the past. "Don't be afraid of your tears," she whispered. "It takes a weak man to hold back his tears, but a stronger one to cry them."  
  
He let his tears fall, the tears for a broken heart, the tears for what he might be losing. Not all were tears of sorrow, though. Some were the tears for a new tomorrow when he would feel this way again for someone else, someone who would care for him the same way. Until then, he had Rommie and her gentle strength to help him cope. He had always had everything he really needed in her.  
  



End file.
